Let me welcome you into my world for a few minutes. Thank you for reading and staying with me through this word-voyage.

I am bipolarII, slanted far toward the depressive side. Over the last few years, since the end of my last "love" relationship which triggered serious and, alas, longlasting bipolar episodes, I have become progressively more isolated. I lost the sense of myself as a healthy person. My self esteem has disappeared. Although I have been on medication, the medication has not helped and the side effects have been a serious issue. I began having seizures which have last for two years and more.

One "world" was left into which I could project a "healthy" self; that world is an online MMORPG. People generally love me there because I am kind, compassionate, and supportive. I have a leadership role in that environment. Given that I've isolated myself, it has been a safe place for social contact. I can have friendships without real-world involvement, so there is, or so I imagined, no risk to my emotional life. It has not recovered from the last disaster and is showing no signs of recovery either.

So, this little online world has been a safe place - until lately. Over some years I've worked and played online with one particular fellow. Gradually we got to talk on a deeper and deeper level. After a while, I found - actually to my dismay - that I had *slight* feelings for him that went beyond casual friendship and had wandered into the for-me-dangerous territory of wanting to get to know him better, looking forward to our contact each day.

I know from the past the dangers of meeting an online personality; real life is not and cannot ever be the same as the online world. I was and am aware that I have feelings for a projection of my own mind, a kind of fictional character he, I, and other people in our community have created.

So for a time, this minor attraction stayed around very much in the background. Mainly it was a comfortable place to be. He had a wife and family. Really, there was nothing to be done. I respected him, his offline world, and always have and always will wish him the best success there.

However, recently there was a change. His primary offline relationship fell apart and he moved out. At that point, to my great shock, he asked would I come to visit him and told me he also had feelings for me. Now of course I was extemely complimented and also amazed, because to be honest I had no clue he would ever actually want "real life" contact. In spite of myself, suddenly I had hope. The old, seductive, warm feelings toward another human being that draw us into real life close relationships began to arise and grew stronger.

First of all, there is no way on earth that such a relationship could work. My depressions are too severe. Online, I can disappear if they get too bad. In real life, that is obviously impossible. Also there is some age difference between us. And after the last relationship ended, let's just say I destroyed my beauty so I would never even be tempted to repeat the last relationship mistake.

Almost immediately after our heart to heart, meeting of the minds chat, there arose another emotional thorn. Almost right away, after his invitation to me to come visit, after his declaration that he had feelings for me, a new woman appeared in his real world. And, you guessed it, he has fallen deeply in love with her. She is young. She is beautiful. She is clever. She is full of hope and passion for life. He sees her as his soul mate.

So each day now, because we have for years shared our emotional lives with one another, I get to hear about the depth of their love, the beautiful restaurants they visit, the opera they will attend. He asks my advice about the best tuxedo to choose. He says when he first beheld her, he felt he was meeting me.

I make an almost superhuman effort to transcend my sad feelings, to stay a kind, good and loving friend to him. I pay compliments and say wonderful supportive things about their relationship. I am the cheerleader for the new couple; I call myself "Cyrano." I even correspond with his new love by email and pay their relationship elaborate and flowery compliments. She appears a very wonderful lady. I am so happy for both, my friend and his new love.

But I am so very sad for me.