You are right, I am not stable or thinking clearly, but my entire life is unstable right now, financially and otherwise. The financial situation has little hope of improvement really.....
There's no way I can explain this all coherently, but some things in my situation physically are simply reality and won't be changing! And since I know they won't change, I have to face that and it is creating some of this terrible emotion......there is some fact here that can't be denied. It is the facts of my situation that are in a great sense responsible for the thoughts/emotions I have.....and if those facts can't change, how can I change the other......I can't change reality.