thank you for the responses......
I wish there could be a magic wand too, but there won't be. There is no rescue for me. It has to come from me if there is, and there isn't any in me. I am giving up on that, I think. I think I will tell the CPS lady I cannot do it, at least right now......I will tell T what I am thinking and see what she says. But will keep in mind it does not matter what she says, she can't fix this for me, or fix me. I am broken and broken but completely and totally and forever......