(((((((((poetgirl))))))

You are definitely not horrible or doomed! Please know that as difficult as things are right now, your situation is not hopeless. As farmgirl and others have suggested, you simply need to get your meds adjusted correctly and take advantage of all of the professional support available to you right now. I'm so sorry that you are having a difficult time right now, but believe you have the strength to pull through this and that there WILL be good times ahead.

However, in contrast to other posters, I don't think that making the choice to TEMPORARILY have your children cared for by someone else (a family member, friend, CPS, or whoever YOU choose) for a short while while you focus on your own recovery, get your meds stabilized, and return to feeling better emotionally is necessarily a bad choice to make-- IF that is the choice you WANT to make, after discussing it over with T and the other people who provide you IRL support. I'm also by no means suggesting you SHOULD make that choice-- just saying that is not a "bad" option to consider, along with other options. It's possible that taking a little bit of time to focus on your own well-being could be the best thing you can do FOR your kids, so that after a short while, you can return to being the involved, dedicated, present, giving and positive parent you so clearly are. From everything you have ever posted, you sound like a GOOD and LOVING mother who wants nothing more than what is best for her children. And, of course, your children do love and need YOU. But I think they need the best version of you that you can be and, if YOU THINK you need to take a little bit of time to focus on getting better physically and emotionally-- so that you can then be there for yourself and your kids-- I don't think you should feel "bad" about exploring that option with your family, your T, etc. And, after consideration, that may be totally the wrong option for you-- I don't know-- I just want you to know that, as a child whose mother has struggled with her mental and emotional well-being, I would never have faulted her if she took time to herself to focus on recovery in order to be a better parent afterwards.

Speaking solely about MY OWN situation, I would say that there were times when I think it may have been preferable if my mom had taken my sister and I to our grandparents' house, or arranged for us to stay with someone else, while she got the help she needed from her T, Pdoc, etc because it was sometimes difficult when she went through periods where her meds were not stabilized, she was feeling extremely depressed, and her behavior was confusing to us. It in no way affected the way we felt about our mother-- we simply wanted her to do whatever it took to be well, because her being well was in the best interests of our whole family.