CPS was involved because I made a comment in hospital earlier that I thought life would be easier with fewer kids, so they thot I had homicidal ideations. Which I didn't. Just wishing I hadn't chosen to have 4 kids, wishing I had only 2 or whatever instead. Only wishing. No thots of taking their lives.....
But CPS had to check it out.
Well, I got the idea maybe they would just take the kids and then I wouldn't have to worry about the stress of raising them when I am not capable and when finances are so bad. Only they aren't going to take them because there is a safety plan in place right now where the babysitter is here and my H wants the kids.....so they can't take them no matter how unable and dysfunctional I currently am. Part of me was thinking it would be best to give them up.....because even though I understand what you all say about the meds and so on, there is a part of this that I think is the reality of who I am, how I am/will be, something about the way I am that cannot be changed, as well as the reality of the finances being in poor shape and my H being so much older and that the financial future looks bleak.....there are some facts here that all the right meds in the world won't change, and all the positive thinking, and all the therapy, won't change. I know I can't seem to explain this to anyone at all very well, and everyone talks about hope.....the CPS lady seemed to understand better than anyone else has how I feel about the reality of my situation and that I have no illusions, no illusion of hope, there isn't enough hope anywhere in this world that can fix some of what my reality is.
Situation is complicated. My mental/emotional state is off kilter yes, and probably would be no matter what the natural situation of my life, no matter how prosperous we were or if my H were a younger man, etc.......but my state of mind is so intertwined with the facts of my life situation that I don't see where there can be peace of mind at all because I can not deny or change some of the basic facts about my reality.
Reality also is that as it stands right now, I don't feel like the children should be with me at all. I don't feel it's right or safe for them. I told the CPS lady this, but again, there is nothing she can do. She can't recommend to the court that they take the children because they are technically safe and their lives aren't in danger......and yet I am unable to provide for them in any real sense as I did before. I fear that I will ever be able to do so again. The babysitter can't stay here forever and then what?