Let me see if I can ummm ... explain myself a little more. (Note: this could end up a jumbled mess of words, I'll try my best). So, I'm asked how things would be if I discarded my masks and let people see me for who I am. Well, this is a loaded question. To start, I cannot show anyone the "real" me because I have never met her. Up until this point in my life (31 years), everything that I thought I was, my personality, values - everything has influenced or has been influenced by dysfunctionality. So with or without the dysfunctional mechanism, I don't know. Sad, yes I know. It wasn't until recently that I was given the BPD diagnosis and I had SO many dysfunctional aspects of my life funnel down into basically one diagnosis. So, at this point, if someone asked me who I am ... my only answer is Borderline. I don't have anything else. So, do I take down the shield and let people see a whacked out nut-job that NO-ONE in my life will recognize?! Hmm, I say no.

Additionally, to clarify what I mean when I say I morph into whatever person a given situation, relationship, employee, even grocery shopper ..... "should be." I am aware and cognizant of what my role "should be" at any given time. Other than with myself (and my dogs), I play the role of "normal." A "normal" that fits in quite well wherever I am. If I want to and/or choose to, I am easy to talk to, funny, sarcastic, thoughtful, appropriate, considerate .... you know, the basics. I know what my role is "supposed" to be. But I fake "myself" in every aspect of my life. If BPD is what I will ultimately be defined as, then I'll let her free; however, I hold out hope that there is something true beyond that part of me that I don't want tarnished by initially being BPD in other's minds.

I hope all that makes sense, and I apologize for all the quotation marks around so many words!