Ugh - I haven't slept a WINK - and I'm painting this mural in my living room and suddenly this EPIPHANY comes across my consciousness like some sort of magical fog bank, and I realize that my ex was on this corporate path when I met him, and I was POUNDING out the art and doing a pretty good job at it, and I think the guy saw me as his token artist-in-residence, and he's very used to concealing his true feelings as that's the way to power and the more talent I exhibited the more freaked he got, and he just kept stuffing it all and - you know - I just wasn't supposed to marry the guy. I just am not supposed to be married. And there were ALL these TIMES when he - oh, he's a brilliant actor and I do mean brilliant, and his parents are top-docs and they didn't like the fact that he was an artist and so if he couldn't get any acknowledgment, how was he going to be a good husband and help me get the acknowledgment I need? And I'm just an artist thru and thru and that's absolutely all there is to it - and he is but he's all caught up in pleasing his parents and will be until he's on his deathbed, but that's not my problem anymore. But the - this could go on for VOLUMES, but the point is that I just think I need to forgive myself for getting married. It REALLY did seem like the right thing to do at the time, you know?

I swear it. So, I - well, I THINK I hereby forgive myself (something tells me that it's not going to be quite so simple) (BUT AT LEAST I KNOW what I HAVE TO DO!!!). I REALLY think I need to forgive myself for marrying that COMPLETE idiot (just kidding) (not really) (my god that guy really messed up my life) (but it's up to me to straighten it all out) (emoticon lying flat on the floor) (hey, maybe that means I can sleep now!). Oh my. Thank you for being htere, everyone.