...And you know - I must be chewing on something big psychologically, because I cannot paint a straight line for the life of me - for about a week it's been impossible, and it normally falls out of my hand and surprises the heck out of me. I think I would not have felt so COMPLETELY worthless - for the last fifteen years if I hadn't married him. My friends and associates did NOT think i was worthless. And I look at people's social phobias on here and I look at my husband and his family and how they could NOT let me thrive - we couldn't exist in the same family - because I wasn't just like them, and I wasn't the proper extension of their ego, adn they couldn't control my spirit like they controlled each other, and I didn't overlook their criminal behavior - but the point is that I've done (well, I've had to) a LOT of healing thru my imagination. My family of origin died when I was young, and I just kept relating to them in many ways in my imagination. And you know - it's sure better than ECT. I can just sort of pick up where I left off when I met the guy - I mean, there's no real reason why I cannot, from my identity's point of view, just really pretend that it didn't happen. I can remember EXACTLY what I was like as a person - all I have to do is participate in some sort of artistic endeavor and it all feels so familiar - I feel JUST like the same "me" I was twenty years ago. And my identity really doesn't care (oh please bear with me and don't be afraid of this epiphany I'm reporting to you guys - I'm really just beginning to trust you all). (AND I'm reporting it to be of HELP, for pete's sake ). Anyway, I can go back to happiness. I can choose happiness. I can just not continue to let his/their opinion of me rule my life and make me feel like a worthless speck. Does that make sense? Does anyone else practice this sort of thinking?