thanks, peaches.....you are right. hard as it is, you are right. we have to live DESPITE the feelings......that is what I don't seem to be able to do. live and accept that I feel this way.....it means living while feeling like I haven't hope, and it is hard to live that way.
thanks granite, I feel hugged! and you are right, there are funner games one could play. better ways to get attention, easier ways to operate......so no, this is not a game or meant to manipulate, though I understand how it feels that way to others. like I am trying to scare them, trying to get them to change in ways that I think will help me feel better and trying to have some control where I really feel there is none. I see how it looks that way.
frankly, I am not at the point yet where I am convinced that living is a good thing.....I am barely holding on and not committed to giving up sui as an option. it's still there. still beckoning......the only thing, or one thing, stopping me, is that there is no painless way to do it, for me, or for those left behind to deal with the pain of my choices.....maybe that's good. maybe it's good that I have a fear of pain, physical pain.....and some thought for the emotional pain of others......although my pain is feeling so huge I WANT to carve it out of me......