My T reminds me sometimes that even in the darkest times, grace is around us if we will open ourselves to it. A couple of weeks ago, I left a session and just felt decimated...like I couldn't go on, like the feelings were too big and too painful...and I stopped at my mom's house to feed her cats because she was out of town. She had some painkillers in her house that I seriously considered taking (just enough to be numb) and I literally had them in my hand and then decided to put them back in the bottle. I walked out her front door and a hawk flew right past me and sat in a low tree by my side. I LOVE hawks. Love, love, love them. And it was this moment of grace in the middle of all the yuck.

When I am in the dark places I try REALLY hard to notice anything happy that happens around me, and then I narrate it to myself in my mind so I will (hopefully) remember it. Right this second, my 11 year old son is running around the house lighting candles, because he decided yesterday that candles are beautiful. When I brought my 8 year old home from martial arts last night, my 11 year old ran outside, all breathless and excited and brought me in to see that he had put little tealights all over the house and lit them. And it was really pretty, and I loved him loving them. Right now, he is going around the house and lighting them again. There is something so sweet about it, and it's a happy thing that I can notice right NOW.

Can you find any grace in now? It's there. And it's always, always always in NOW, not in the future, where our worries are. It is right here, now.

I hope that you will get your meds straightened out and that will help things look less dark...and in the meantime, I hope you will let grace find you.