I feel as though no matter how hard I try not to be like my mom, I end up just like her. When she divulged to me her feelings and how things were between her and dad, I was mortified that she felt that way. I was mortified that her self-esteem was so terrible that she didn't think that there was any way out of this mess for her. She actually once said "I'm a woman, how am I going to make it on my own??" It killed me! How??? How did she go to college, regardless of her parents telling her that it was not in her cards? How did she pay her way through on her own sweat? How did she move to a completely different state to work as a teacher and live on her own?? So how did she forget all of that?
I feel like I never want to be married ever again, much less now. I think I figured it out. I never loved myself. I never could figure out how to, so I kept looking outside of myself for love - best friends, fitting in, boyfriends, lovers, husband, and now, a job. I am a newly graduated nurse and I can't get hired because I have no nursing experience and there are not enough new nurse residency positions to accomodate the new nurses graduating. So in my mind, I am rejected yet again. So I spiral into another depressive hole. I also see this as a lack of funding for my eventual escape of my life (marriage). If I don't have a job and a stable income, how can I ever live on my own again? And it just keeps going, rolling down the hill, getting bigger and crazier and I can't tell my husband all of this because I don't want him to know I want to be able to escape him. Do I even mean that? I don't know. But the sadder I get about it all, the more I want to be away from him.
I don't want to be my mom. I don't want to depend on anyone and that is what I am doing right now. I have no job. No income. No love for myself. How do you grow to love yourself?