I am so frustrated & ANGRY. As many of you know, I have been having problems dealing with all the thoughts & issues around my Mothers death a year ago January & all the ID theft that occured. My mind just can't seem to stop these thoughts from coming through & seeing my Mother quickly die from her cancer without any support from any Dr's (who denied the whole thing) & the other Dr's who thought I was crazy when I caught the RN doing the ID theft.

My psychologist had a great idea of my going to a partial program at a hospital 3 days a week that is about 1 hour from where I live. After getting into 2 rear end auto accidents within 1/2 hour of each on my way home the first day when my emotions really messed me up, I just can't get back into my car & drive because I just don't feel safe (& it wasn't even taking meds then) It was from the stress & where my mind wasafter several intense groups for me) I don't even remember hitting either car but I did. I just couldn't drive so we decided that staying at my Mothers home the night before I went to the program, they could pick me up with their van.

I decided to try that & have my husband stay in the house with me at night because of all the horrible things that go through my mind when I stay there by myself. The last 5 days of being in the house with my Mother & the RN that I caught doing the ID theft just freaked my mind out so I couldn't stay alone & besides, my husband needed to drive me down there so the van could pick me up.

Well anyway, the therapy really opened up some really horrible issues I have going on inside & it was so intense I would end up physically & mentally sick at least 1 of the 3 days each week. I talked to my pdoc & he suggested that since I am now taking meds to stop my migraines that I might be able to take Cymbalta & wouldn't have any migraines. I took a whole one at 30mg which knocked me out for 48 hours. Then he suggested splitting it into 1/2 (Mind you, the med is a capsul.....just try to do that). Anyway, some days I didn't bother taking the cymbalta & when going through the 4 groups, I would get hit so hard emotionaly I just couldn't take it (like with the car accidents). I couldn't tell you where my mind was at. To top that off, the Cymbalta (even 1/2) started the migraines coming back even with my migraine narcotic & made me so sleepy I couldn't stay awake for any of the groups.

Great choices...either don't take the med & end up an emotional wreck or take the med & sleep through all the groups getting nothing out of the program (even taking the med early the night before didn't help). By last Friday I was so exhausted from all the emotional issues that were coming out & exhausted from all the going back & forth, & exhausted from taking the med.

By Sunday I talked it over with my psychologist & he told me I should take a week off & then one more week off to get back into the life style with my husband working again. He then suggested that I come back slowly into the program because I couldn't take the emotional issues that ended up dumping on me so hard so quickly. The hospitals system (driven my medicare) is set up so that if their program draws out too many emotional things too quickly for someone & it makes them an emotional wreck & you have to take meds to help you get through it but puts you to sleep it is ok because your body is there & they get money for that even though you are sleeping through it all & get nothing out of it....or you end up getting so emotionally messed up that all you can do is cry & fall apart at the hospital program then when I get home all I feel like doing is taking a bottle of meds to end the feelings completely.

I always end up being the square peg in a round hole. My needs never fit the box that everyone determines I have to be in

This time I am not mad at myself for being different....I am mad at the burocratic BS that everyone is trying to force me into. It's my life & I have the needs I have & that is just the way it is.

Well medicare & the jerks at the hospital who can't be flexible because of the paperwork told me that I couldn't do that anything for me. If I took the time off, I couldn't come back to the program for 30 days & then I couldn't come back slowly to meet my needs because medicare required it to be 3 days a week. I know the help was excellent, but way to emotional for everything that I am dealing with inside. The social worker I talked to about what I was going through told me that they would be glad to take me back after the 30 days at the 3 days a week. I told him where he could take his ....&#(^%..... 30 days & at the rate I am going I probably wouldn't be around in 30 days to even go back to his stupid program that can't accomodate the needs of the patients & only deal with their paperwork without any care for the needs of the patients. I didn't realize how messed up I was inside so that I couldn't even handle the issues at 3 days a week. I ended up way to emotionally exhausted at 3 days a week. Now that these things have been brought out I am in a horrible depression, so bad I can't even take care of my horses & chase my dogs away from me. All I do is lay under my blankets crying.

It has just reinforced my real thoughts about the mental health care in the United States. If you don't fit what their definitions are or you aren't what they think you have to be, you are just .....@:^%....out of luck. It has also reinforced my realization that if you can't help yourself, you are just out of luck & no one cares at all.

I am venting here & most of you may be able to get the help you need but again, I have always had needs that are different than others & because of that, no professional cares because they can't. Even my psychologist said he was sorry that I was just out of luck & that I would make myself better sooner of later. At this point, it is adding to my anorexia problems & I really don't care what happens to me....I haven't even been able to care for my horses & have no desire to take care of them either....which is really sad since I have a foal coming at any time.

All I want is my bed, my pillow & my warm blanket to hide under & a bunch of anything that will make it all go away. I am so exhausted & emotionally drained......my professionals can take their positive thinking & shove it. All I see is a repeat of the same circles i have been through before & I can't take it anymore.

Debbie