Tay and PH, thank you. Your posts bring tears to my eyes, too.....
Tonight, the boys were talking to me about dying, because sometimes they do ask........I asked (foolish I know) if they would miss me if I died.......they cried and said, please don't die mommy, we love you. So how can I hear that and still do it......although the desire to go beyond is so great I can't stand it hardly. It almost isn't enough. Someone said to me though, how selfish it would be to leave them behind like that.....even though she said that she would leave the judgment of my soul to God and didn't believe necessarily that it would consign me to hell.....
I really don't believe I am a fit mother. I really don't think I am a good mother. I know I am not. I don't believe I can be in the future, either.....I am so selfish and sometimes unkind; I know I am my harshest critic, but I think that is true.
But my oldest said to me, you're a good mommy. I said, sometimes I yell at you....he said, that's not naughty.....
Yes, I see it would cause them pain......
How old were you when your mom did that, tay? I am so sorry for your pain.
PH, I admire and respect how you held on, considering what you said of what you had to go through with your H.