Dear Therapist,

My therapist and I seem to be having problems. We have been working together for 6 years, and we have both put in alot of hard work toward my recovery. My therapist has tried a number of different treatment methods with me, with limited success. I always show up for my sessions and do any homework she assigns me. I have always been serious about my recovery. And I have made some good changes (learning to say No, limiting my worry, stopping drinking, becoming much more self-aware, asking for what I want). But I just am not making much progress in changing my self-defeating ways, black and white thinking, and over ruminating. I still have very low self-esteem and a deep sense of badness.

Also, I feel quite attached to my therapist, enough that the intimacy of the relationship causes me to feel very self-conscious and triggers my fears of rejection and abandonment. Therefore, I tend to edge closer to her emotionally, and then pull back. I think this creates some tension in our therapy relationship. Developing trust has taken a great deal of time.

My therapist is a very nice person, but she is the type that expects you to work hard and wants to see changes. I try to make changes, but they don't seem good enough to please my therapist. About every 4 or 5 months, I will start sensing frustration in my therapist's attitude. She is always kind and never mean to me, yet I tend to "pick up" her sense of frustration. When I question her about it, she says she is frustrated at herself because she has not been able to explain something to me well enough, or get something "across" to me. She has also expressed frustration that the kind of work she are doing is long-term work, yet she wants very much for me to heal and have less pain. So she tends to push harder than I want her to because she wants me to feel better.

These situations always end up making me feel bad about myself. I know for a fact that she is an excellent therapist. My husband has been with me on my sessions, and he thinks so too. So I know the problem is not really her inability to explain something or "get through" to me. The problem is somewhere in me. When this happens, we always talk about it and resolve it. Then, for a few months things go well. Then the same thing happens. I start picking up on her frustration again. Then she feels inadequate and blames her inability, and I feel inadequate and blame mine. This has become a cycle for us, and I don't know how to break out of it. Every time this happens, I start to feel hopeless like a failure in therapy and hopeless about my chances for recovery. I have really "hung in there" with my therapy -- both of us have. But I am starting to feel like I am a hopeless case.

In addition to this problem, I tend to over-react or misunderstand things my therapist says. I seem to always be in a state of upset over something, and we have to talk about it. I also tend to be needy and require contact between sessions in order to feel connected. My therapist and I have tried very hard to help me attain object constancy and to develop a loving mother within me, but I can't seem to accomplish it. I continue to feel dependent on her for comfort and soothing.

I should tell you that I have Complex PTSD, GAD, and Major Depression. I also live with a husband who has severe Bipolar disorder and many health problems. I suffered sexual abuse as a child, emotional abuse from my dad, and my mom was capable but emotionally distant. I moved many times growing up, and attended 8 different schools. I have attachment issues and codependency issues, and little to no social support. I know that I am a difficult patient.

I feel so bad about all of this. I'm afraid I am going to burn my therapist out, and I am afraid that maybe my issues go too deep for me to ever heal. I feel so hopeless right now.