I'm a very private person so it's incredibly hard for me to open up. And when I do everything tends to get jumbled up. I've tried this a couple of times already. I don't know if this will be third time's charm or 3 strikes... you're outta here...
I feel empty. I feel hopeless. I don't even feel very interested in being helped. And yet here I am again
I've had several episodes of depression over the years but I don't recall ever not wanting help. When this latest episode began to get bad I knew the signs and tried the usual methods that had helped before. Biking, walking, any physical activity. It helped a bit. I know that if depression and anxiety comes back in full force I will be feeling much worse than I'm feeling now. I'm not really suicidal but something similar. Desperation maybe. Maybe it's a state of being resigned to the fact that this is not looking like it's going to end well. Maybe it's just gotten tiresome.
I had to move in w/ my sister a while back. I had to leave my job because of the anxiety and stress. I thought I could get another job. I'd forgotten how much anxiety came w/ job hunting. And I hadn't been paying attention to the economy. I made a little money making custom car parts, doing odd jobs, and partial resto's of classic cars. But as time went on I had to sell my two cars and trade down my DD and sell all my "toys." I doubt that I could ever find a job where I would last. I have a hard time just going outside recently.
Over the last few months as the dep and anx have grown worse I've begun to feel desperation. I've always loved California and hey... SF has that nice Golden Gate bridge. This post is not about dying but I'll add the trigger icon for that last sentence. I don't want to die but I'm not sure how much longer I can face my life. There is no in between. If I wait much longer I won't have enough money left to get to SF. I'm not sure my anxiety could be controlled on the trip anyway. I'd have to be balls to the wall desperate to do anything here around my family. So I'm backed up in this corner and there's a rock on one side and a very hard place on the other.
I don't expect anyone to have any answers on what to do here. I realize that it isn't fair to even make a post like this. I suspect there may be a lot of people in my situation who don't make posts like this either out of privacy or consideration. I feel like I should apologize for writing this. I feel silly and embarrassed for writing this.
If this post needs to be edited or deleted then so be it but I don't think I could ever be this honest and open about my life again.