Your right Theodora, it is about me, about me trying. Perhaps you are further along than me. I don't really know you, I did just checked out your about me page. Perhaps we have something in common. You just have labels there, I have the reasons for some of my labels in my about me, but I didn't put them all in there, some of them are pretty bad.

I openly have admitted that I am searching, I am trying to see the about me you speak of. I have learned more here than I have in therapy. But I do have a new therapist and finally he can see how much I struggle. And your right, maybe I'll be like you someday, flying again. Right now I don't really feel like flying, or I try to fly and I grow very tired quickly.
My therapist told me that I am battling depression. And I am not really sure how to battle it.

Many times I post here it is the only way I have been able to be the old me so to speak. Sure I talk to others and try to encourage them and in so doing I try to encourage myself. I am not above others, I am with them struggling too.

Believe it or not you have just proved my point. Do I often speak from experience, yes. But it is only to help others see things I didn't see and wished I had seen the way I see it now. If you could only see my sails theodora, they are so shredded and I am not really able to catch much wind at all. I am only trying to figure out how to mend them and look back at the moments that they were sliced. Did I really see it at the time, no not really. And I am surprised at how little wind I can catch at any given time. I try to mend a little and seem to catch some wind, but then I see how quickly what I have tried to mend quickly gets torn again. In that, I have become more aware and conscious of the way they were torn.

Someone brought up guilt and how that guilt feels strange and hard to define. I replied to that thread as I knew what it meant somehow and tried to put it into words. I suddenly saw a long list of how I feel guilt. I hadn't really expected to be able to answer that thread so well. Well enough to somehow form that list.

It is very close to the depression I feel and I hadn't really realized it. I also talk about anger, well I have that too and extreme anxiety, thats there too. And I see how it is all balled up into this Label called PTSD. Misunderstood? thats in it too.
And it is very frustrating and hard to pull apart and understand.

And somehow I think maybe you do understand it, maybe you are flying above me and maybe you don't like me. Well, I don't like me much either right now and that comes in that guilt part of it. I didn't have money for therapy when I really needed it. So it got worse, and I have been battling a strange kind of depression that sometimes lifts a little giving me hope and yet I am still very weak.

Some people have asked my why I havent been in chat, truth is, I havent been doing that well.

But I have also watched other try and sometimes they fail and maybe they feel guilty. And I see that they are quiet and once again they add a few words here and there. And it encourages me and I quietly pray for them.

I was good at blowing wind into the sails of others. But at times it shreded my own sails. I see that too. I got hit pretty hard, I see a lot of things differently now. And I am just trying.

Open Eyes