Ok I have been fine well by fine I mean not sui nor major manic for about 2 months. I have the odd spurt of mania but nothing like I use to get. Well today I just feel blah!! like there is no point anymore. I had a group activity to the local cinema with my MH team and I went along purely for the fact its 10 mins from my house and also I have my Support Worker tomorrow and don't want quizzed. The cinema went well I saw the new Pirates of the Carribean film. I really enjoyed the film but felt I just couldn't laugh at the funny bits. One of the other Support Workers would check me out every so often as she was sitting next to me. Anyways, my friend invited me out tonight to walk along the beach. I accepted as I need to get out the house. Family are doing my nut in. It took me 2 hours to tell my friend I was feeling sui.... she was not amused. She said I need to keep talking and open up especially to the people who can help me.

She asked me if stopping and starting my meds was maybe a factor in all this which I don't think it is. I feel fine without my meds and I know I should take them but I don't want to take them and when I don't take them I feel alive and hyper but in a good way not a manic way. She asked if I had contacted my CPN but he is on holiday until next week. She said call the on call. But it is too late as it was late evening by then. I told her after 9pm. She took my phone and looked through the numbers and picked the Response Team's number and rang them. But they weren't even ringing. Wasn't until I got home that I realised they finish at 9pm. She tried to call them at 9:15pm.

While on my way to the beach I tried to get myself knocked down by a car my heart was beating like mad. Like in a sense my adreneline was on over drive. When I was talking to my friend... she doesn't know about the above. I started to cry but I hate crying infront of people let alone in public so I held my head in my hands and she said its ok to cry and she held me and held my hand and rubbed my back and told me how much she loves me and needs me to stick around. I hate when I disappoint people thinking stupid things like I do.

I am meeting a new guy next week he is a potential boyfriend.... he has a partner though so who knows what's gonna happen. I am also speaking to another guy online from Manchester-England he has been trying to get me to go down to Manchester.

What am I doing???

Yesterday I hurt myself and I punched the way