Mue- you sound so sad and miserable- but it also sounds like your in a place where great progress can be made if you can just hold on for a little while longer. I know it feels endless and useless, but it's not. You're health and well being is worth every single second of thought, energy and effort you put into it. Hold on- even when you want to let go- hold on! There is peace at the end of all this hard, ugly work.

Big hugs to you mue!