I started T because of a desperate need to do something about the self destruct mode I was in and although those dark clouds are always on the horizon, I do feel much more able to get my umbrella out when they arrive and not feel so terrified by them.

I have learned much from my T - much about myself - I think I can now understand how all the pieces fit together going back to when I was born - some of this was due to parental failures - but I know they did the best they could - and that in turn led me to putting myself in vulnerable situations with the resulting trauma.

In my fantasies - I would like to become strong, robust, resilient, socially skilled, loved, popular, beautiful, funny etc, etc,. I think my T has some ambitions for me too. But also part of me is starting to think that rather than aim for change, just learn to accept.

I actually like spending time on my own. I have never asked friends to meet my needs, I guess which is why I started T last year, can I realistically become someone who can easily call a friend and ask if I can talk, ask for a cuddle? Can I become the person who actively looks out for my neighbours to say Good Morning, rather than waiting for the coast to be clear? The person who loves to go out with a group of friends.

My T challenged me and said if it is true that I like to be on my own, why do I SI. But I don't do it so often these days and it never needs medical attention, so maybe that is OK?

My T wants me to focus on my own needs more and not on other peoples. But what if there is a greater power who put me on this earth for the purpose of caring for others - would I like who I would become if I started putting myself first?

I guess I am just thinking am I being unrealistic in expecting this massive transformation in myself. I can maybe get to a point where I can talk about my experiences with T and they become less overwhelming - but that will never negate that they happended, that they had an impact on me that changed me forever and set me on this path.

When do I start to accept me as I am right now and stop striving for change that may never come.