why can't this pain just go away? why can't the fear go away? I am so terrified today.......I keep feeling like something has to give, and I don't know what it will be. Either I have to completely give up SU or give in, I think, because living with constant SU thoughts/desires is not living. I am not really living right now and how sad that is.......almost as sad as not being here anymore. I don't know, I don't see how, to live.......the fear of the future is so great that even when I try to distract myself from it, it sneaks back around and wallops me again. I simply can't live like this......I am so sorry for my children too, because right now they really don't have much more of a mother than they would have if I weren't here, because I am not so present...
My H simply does not see the storm clouds in the future, but they ARE real and they terrify me. I know money isn't everything, but if you don't have it, life is a miserable, brutish thing and I don't want that kind of life, but am afraid it's the kind of life that awaits us if finances go on as they are now. It terrifies me. And knowing that I have mental issues and may always struggle with them, how am I to think I have the capability to endure and to raise the children in the midst of both natural deprivation and emotional/mental illness?! It's too much!