As I've mentioned in other posts, my T is gone for two weeks which means I'm on my own for three. I've been seeing my T weekly since just before I got sober almost six months ago. The week before she left I had a little mental breakdown. I couldn't eat or sleep... I felt dependent and scared to be without her so long, and shame for being so dependent and scared. I was unable to be honest with her about these feelings and spent our last session trying to control my bizarre facial expressions while consciously trying to hide the truth from her. Embarrassing. Anyhow...

I was afraid that I couldn't stay sober while she was gone. I was scared that I wouldn't be able to manage my emotions. I worry that I don't have enough coping skills to be honest and sane at the same time. The first week has almost passed by and suddenly I have a new fear...

If I DO stay sane and sober without her does that mean I don't need her?? I want to learn honesty and truth. I want to stand tall and speak the truth. I'm not there yet and I feel I need her to help me get there. But I'm scared that if I make it without her then that will mean that I never needed her, that my depression isn't real and my alcoholism is nothing more than overindulgence and I could have quit at any point. I don't feel these things to be true.. but I can't reconcile this all in my head. Does anyone have any insight? I don't feel like I'm doing a good job articulating what I'm experiencing and I'm hoping someone out there has been through something similar and can help me to understand. Thank you -CoY