so i deal with this and its ****ing terrible and confusing

i always had foggy feeling i didn't belong where i was from when i was really tiny. like i could never adapt like everyone else and this was normal and people patronized me for it. i don't know how to be a part of things either, how to connect with people. when i was little i just gave up on people and focused on animals and plants instead.

my shrink tells me "all you can do is accept yourself and adapt" and i get so crazy mad on the inside.

i cant accept myself with how i am, i won't ever

i've always hated that part of me ALWAYS for as long as i can remember.
when i was younger and got the internet i would research how to interact and get along with people. yet still accidentally avoided them w/o realizing

its REALLY REALLY NICE being alone but feel like an alcoholic or something and i cant get off the booze.

i have an intense craving to interact and be one with people and groups. like this is something i have to do or just forget about having anything meaninful in my life. but i always really avoid bonding; its all a show i dont actually bond. why? I'm genuine, im funny sometimes, i show interest -- but eventually i have to get away, its like getting in cold water. why am i scared to get close to people?

when i went to college i went to SF in cali. I have lived with about 24 people (uni housing moved me constantly) and yet i didn't "bond"
" nobody really KNEW me; i justify doing work and getting on the internet instead of forming real connections.

i made two friends here -- well 3 or 4. 2 boyfriends i had each year.

i know it sounds okay but its all lies. im such a liar. i cant be open about myself with people.

my newest roomie is from england

its off and on. transitioning from being a workaholic
and being social is confusing. i get this feeling im neglecting her (she talks a LOT when you get her going); which makes me tense .. i feel boring and invisible..i kno your not supposed to show insecurity . still i assume she understands i am just dealing with ******** and cant say anything. i will say random sparse little things in a genuine way so she doesn't feel too neglected. thats all i can do when i get like thaat.

why do i have issues bonding with people? why do i hide myself away? why am i hypocrite? etc