I know I'm supposed to stay positive and keep my head up. But something inside me pulls me down. I've done the therapy. I've been on medication. Nothing has ever seemed to help me through to the other side. not even on a temporary basis. I don't have up moments. It's all a down hill ride. Even the most positive things in my life aren't enough to make me smile anymore. About two months ago I was offered the opportunity to have three pieces of my "art" used as end sheets for a three book set that included my favorite author. The company that used these pieces is a small press horror publisher known for high quality, small run (300 total copies), highly collectable books. And the idea that I am included in some way with this project should be more than enough to have me excited. Especially considerring that again my favorite author wrote two of the books included. Not to mention the price of this set ($125) and the fact that there is no other way I could afford copies outside of my contributor copies. But it's just the same as everything else in my life. I can't smile and be happy. I don't allow myself. I can't seem to get past all the pain.

I woke up today with some back pain. Nothing unusual for me. And it brings up more misery because I can't do the things I need to do for my wife. I am still unemployed and my wife works hard at a job that she shouldn't have to do just to get us by. And I can't even wash the damn dishes because standing in front of the sink kills my back after a couple minutes.

I'm rambling here I know. That's just my brain in action lol. I'm one of those people who you hate conversing with in a coherant straight line. I catch an idea in my head and I take off ina new direction and maybe I'll make my way back around to the original point.