Hi nntk:

I really liked THIS sentence that you wrote:

I didn't want to come on this site and say this, to be honest. I felt embarressed and stupid.
But today I thought, I said I would be accountable here, so I better get with it. So, here I am.

As others have said (and say so all the time on this site), reaching out is really hard, and you DO have to reach out to be accountable - but it's really hard to find a safe place to do so - you can get sideswiped really easily just by doing what you know is the accountable thing to do! And I'm finding (with enormous help from everyone here) that taking small steps to reach out, stepping back and seeing what happens, and then honoring myself by taking the time to process it all, step by step, is REALLY paving my way to move forward. Good for you! AND the fact that you're doing so and telling us all about it, makes me, for one, feel like I've got great company along my rather bumpy path! Thank you.