It's ok CDG. I was emotionally abandoned (and I guess for the most part physically too but I had a home albeit a lonely one) at 4 years old - I had gone through a bad trauma and no one was there to pick up the pieces. So, I was left alone in a very dark place - I remember the thoughts I had as a child. Thoughts that no child should ever have - the why am I this way and what if it hadn't happened what would my life be like. I grew up very fearful of everything around me always fearing more abandonment - afraid of what I would find when I got home from school.

As I got older I realized that fear was paralyzing me so I worked hard on not being afraid and being independent - of course I went way too far the other way and drove anyone that tried to help me away.

So, I understand your fear and the not "nightmares" - they are worse, at least nightmares can spare you when you're awake.

I'm no longer afraid - sometimes anxious but not afraid of anything. I don't really trust anyone and that has kept me from having successful relationhips. But, I survive and cope everyday and don't care about anything but that. I think that maybe you're young enough to learn to overcome the fear and I hope to trust someone at some point.