wanted to hurt myself so much yesterday. . . i didnt. finally slept and in my nightmare there was someone coming for me and all i had to do was stay completely covered, every inch of my body and i'd be safe. and i thought i was but i had left my shoulder bare. and it was this awful thing that sucked my spirit out through my shoulder and i woke screaming. theres been this phantom smell, i cant clean it away and my husband keeps telling me theres nothing there, just the windex and pine sol and furniture polish but i smell dead leaves, and this morning it ripped me to pieces and i was on the floor of my hallway retching, barely made it to the toilet. dry heaving and retching. and when i dont punish myself god is punishing me, taking away the things i need most, leaving me alone in this place. and i'm hanging on by this really thin thread and its so frayed, ready to break at any moment. called my pdoc and told her about what was happening and she agreed to see me asap and i know it means more meds but i guess thats okay. just want to keep it together. counting the ways to hurt myself cause when i do all the pain in my mind recedes. . .it gets so quiet and peaceful. cause its me doing it. cause i'm in control. keep telling my husband that god will find a way to punish me anyway. i just need to get through the days.