I'm trying to work through something my T said to me in session yesterday. I need to journal about it and really figure out why it bothers me so much, but I thought maybe I could bounce it off of you all as well.

I was telling my T how frustrated I am that having a 3 week break due to our vacations made me pull away from her. I was telling her that it bothers me that before the break I actually felt comfortable talking to her, and that I really wasn't experiencing much anxiety before sessions. Now, I am struggling to talk to her, and the anxiety before sessions is super, super high.

I can't remember her exact wording, but she said something like she understood and that it showed that I had started to depend on our relationship.

I don't want to depend on a relationship with my T! I told her that. I told her I don't like depending on anyone but myself. She kinda smiled and asked me how that was working for me. I told her "hush, I know it's unrealistic, let me have my illusion for a minute, okay?" We joked about it, because I fully recognize that there are times I do have to depend on others for things. My problem isn't really with depending on others, it's depending on T. It makes me uncomfortable...it makes me feel "broken" to think that I do rely on this relationship to some extent and that it upsets me when the relationship is strained in some way.

I'm still trying to figure this out for myself. I kinda want to email T, but I think maybe I'll just wait and bring it up in session. She won't see an email now until Monday, since she doesn't check on weekends. It's not urgent and I'm not sure I can really articulate what I'm feeling in email anyway. Maybe I'll just send her a "head's up" email.

Am I making any sense here? Does anyone understand why this is such a big deal for me? I'm so used to being independant. I can ask people for help when I really need it, but something about relying on my relationship with T bothers me more than having to rely on other relationships.