I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. But you are right, "forgiving is hard and forgetting is impossible". In my situation, forgiving is a long process. You have to start with acceptance and even that is hard. A year later I still doubt I'll ever forget. There are situations that can come up, like him signing of msn abruptly and I fall apart.
It's hard to figure out where to start when your world has been tossed upside down. So take it one day at a time, heck if that's too much sometimes, aim for an hour at a time. There were times when my emotions would do a 180 within that hour.
The dreams are awful and got to the point where I just couldn't sleep. Talk to a doctor if that becomes a problem. Similarly, keep an eye on your eating, in traumatic situations it's not uncommon to over/under eat.
"I lost my virginity to her and was not planning on being with anyone else."
This was one of my biggest hurdles and led to a long period of resentment. I didn't enter the relationship thinking that he would be my first/only partner but it started to end up that way for both of us. I loved that fact, in my mind it made us special to have that. It wasn't a requirement, but the night he slept with someone else, he took away that specialness. I don't know if you have the same thoughts, but if you do, or whatever you're feeling, it's normal for an abnormal situation.
I'm glad that she's not trying to say this was a result of something missing in your relationship because it never is. It's a result of poor boundaries and coping skills. There was something she thought she could find and you may find a sense of security if she's willing to go to a therapist to find out how she justified her actions.
Trust is another thing that comes with time. You can't just trust her because it's Saturday. That would be crazy. She has to prove herself and earn your trust. She does that by being open and honest with you. About EVERYTHING. If you ask a question regarding what happened, she needs to answer it. If you ask her to let you know where she's going because it will help you feel like you have some footing, you deserve it. Baby steps will eventually start to make trust seem like a possibility.
Mind movies (or seeing him/them) are agonizing. My counselor suggested I set aside a certain time of each day to just wallow. The rest of the day I had to try and gather myself together and wait until my next wallow session. Not to say that you should bury your feelings, that was just a suggestion for staying functional. But there was a point where that just sounded like crazy-talk. So I did it backwards. I gave myself an hour where I wasn't allowed to think about it. And even that was hard, sometimes I had to do things that require great concentration just to get the focus shifted. Another thing I've had suggested is to visualize a stop sign in your mind to block it out. OR if you can "control him" and send him into the corner then bring yourself into the picture.
"I know she would never do it again"
I used to like to say this a lot. In reality I was saying it in hopes of convincing myself to trust it. At this point I've come up with some new points
1) He is slowly being able to show me that he would not choose to act the same way
2) There's no such guarantee that he will never do it again. As much as I would LOVE to have that confidence, honestly I don't. I BELIEVE he won't, but I believed the same thing before. It sounds kind of cynical but I've accepted that I can't make the choice for him
3) Whatever he chooses in the future, will be met by my choice. IF he does choose to cheat, *I* choose what happens next. If he's learned his lesson, then we will do our best and see where life takes us.
My last concern is that you said it would be great if you could get over it. Now I absolutely understand you not wanting to have to feel this crap. Is your gf in any way implying that you should get over it? Because SHE needs to understand that this will take work. It's like rebuilding a ship. It's slow, and sometimes it rain and you feel like you are back to square one. Sometimes you wonder if the boat will ever float. She needs to be understanding and supportive of you. I agree with the idea of couple's counselling. One of the keys to getting through this is strong communication skills.
Sorry you are in this mess, it does get better though
