My mother and I have a somewhat rocky relationship, last week when she was down visiting me and I had mentioned how my pdoc and t and CRT think if things didn't start to change this time round the next step was the hospital. Well my mom say to me " you don't want to keep going to the hospital, you can't just rely on hospital visits" in a very judgmental tone. I tried to ignore it but then my sister tells me my mom had told her about this conversation Aka talking behind my back. My sister was disgusted by this.

I have been dealing with bipolar an psychosis from a young age. I have been in the hospital only one time last year. I'm am very stubborn about the hospital and usually refuse or do eveything in my power not to go. Not always a benefit to me. I had a hard time accepting I had been in the psych ward and had a huge fear of going. I finally got to a place where I was a litle more ok with this. So I don't know how to take what she said. Feels like a huge slap in the face to me. And makes my thinking on the hospital go back to square one.

I know I should have been in the hospital this time and I did not go, I've been doing terrible and am barely holding it together. The psychosis has been worse and the moods are still way out of control. This just makes me doubt myself so much. What have I been trying to do all this time, for nothing???