Saw pdoc bright and early this morning, got my Adderall refilled for the next few months. I have to wonder if he didn't check his notes or didn't make any after the last time I was there, or if he missed scanning a part or two. I was so scared wondering what he might bring up. At my appointment back in January he noticed my weight loss and I adjusted the truth--ok, I *covered up* the truth--about how much weight and why. A couple days and again a week later I left him voice mails admitting that I "rounded" the numbers for how much weight I lost and that I hadn't been eating, my blood sugars were screwed up ranging from 42 to over 200. Well, he never mentioned any of it today!!! We spent more time talking about drug formularies with insurance plans and my job (which involves similar issues). He checked my heart rate because of the Adderall and having heart problems. He said it was a little high, and again reccommended that I have my primary doc change my propranolol prescription to atenolol or a something similar that will have all-day effect. The propranolol I have been taking is only short-acting for use "as needed". That's all we talked about. Things went better than expected!

I also saw my primary doctor today. I scheduled the appointment a while back and was lucky to get both of my appointments on the same day, so I took the day off work. Anyway, when my pdoc first told me to ask my primary doc to change my propranolol prescription, I was told that the doctor would be happy to change it--BUT I had to come in for an appointment--even though I'd been in to the office a few times over the summer months to September or so. No insurance and no money at the time for that, so I had to hold off. I seriously considered it though because of all the heart problems I was having just starting on the Adderall. I knew without asking that he wanted me to come in for an appointment because a colleague of his in the office learned about some of my psych issues--like the cutting, after taking out stitches for me.

I have been so scared of going in to see my primary, not knowing his reaction of what he would say or anything. I knew that I would be better off on an all-day medication instead of continuing the propranolol prn as I have been, so when my insurance came effective, I called to make the appointment. I considered cancelling. I decided to be brave. He was so sweet and gentle, and he really *sat-down* with me! He seemed just so sweet and caring. He just talked mostly. He asked about my living situation (I almost made the nurse cry when I had to tell her that I am homeless), and such. He went over my med list briefly. To make it a more official doctor appointment he did a quick sort-of mini exam, as I told him, to make sure that I am still living and breathing. The "exam" if you want to call it that, was a quick check with a stethoscope to heart and lungs, a look in my right ear and my throat. That was the exam! His real focus today was ME. Not necessarily physically. We must have been in the room almost a half-hour. It felt so good really have that experience with a doctor. I had good experiences with my old primary doctor, who I loved--very warm and caring, extremely personable (good looking, and English accent, too! Looked like Noah Wyle from ER!!). Unfortunately, he left the practice for a job somewhere else a few years ago. But today's appointment with my current primary was more than I have felt before. I have seen that he is a good doctor before, and caring and such, but it really showed in him today. He knew more extreme, serious details of my life that he didn't the other times I was there. This time, he came in knowing that I've had some problems and had his heart fully open. We didn't talk about cutting or those issues. He kept the conversation open for me to say things, but I was too scared or shy to bring up the psych issues. I have a hard time doing that with anybody--even my T. It's easier if he asks the questions and kind of pries a little. I emailed my primary doc ahead of time that I was planning to schedule an appointment when my insurance became effective, and that I would be really scared and not knowing what to expect, so to pretty much, please go easy on me. And he did! I could have hugged him by the end. Maybe I should have. {{{{{{{{{{{{{My Doc}}}}}}}}}}}}}}