I am so frustrated, and depressed, and angry, and those are the only emotions I've been able to sort out and name so far.

I haven't cut in a long time -- at least a year -- but every month, my pdoc asks me about it, and I've always reminded myself that it used to work really well, and when I'm good and down, the urge is going to reassert itself.

Well, it has. Really, really badly. But this time it has a twist.

Thanks to a recently discovered chronic illness, for which I am still in treatment and will be for several more months, I have IV lines stitched into my left arm, to make it easier to draw blood without poking me 18 times (I have bad veins) and to facilitate outpatient transfusions.

My family was terrific when they and the drs. thought I was going to die, but since I've been home (early January) and recovering, they now think I am fine. I am NOT fine. I had a doctor tell me he wouldn't object to my working 20 hours, so I mentioned that in a family email, and now it's all they're bugging me about --- got a job yet?

Yes, they have helped me financially, and I know they have their own bills to pay and are tired of paying mine, but it's not like I'm sitting on my butt waiting for handouts. I have applied for every aid program I can find, etc. I live alone and have no built-in caretaker and no one's second income to rely on. Friends have helped as much as they can, but I've been fighting with unemployment as to whether I qualify. I have a hearing with them Thursday. I am waiting till then to really pursue a part-time job, which I still am not sure I can handle physically.

Anyway, what I have been thinking about doing is screwing up the indwelling IV lines, not necessarily cutting my skin. It was a surgical procedure to put it in, and once it's out, they might not find another place for it (at least in that arm). I figure, right now that's the best way to hurt myself.

Cutting for me has always been about misdirected anger. I am so frigging pissed off at my oldest sister, with whom I have gotten along for a period of about a week total out of both our lives. My brother already has gotten on my *** this week about getting a job, and then she sent me an email titled "health", the text of which was, basically, "got a job yet? no? how are you going to pay your bills?" They are all after me to move in with my sis in MN, who lives near the Mayo Clinic. Supposedly that would help me lose a few bills. I am 41 years old. I do not want to live with a sibling. I do not want to give up my support system where I live.

So I wrote my oldest sister back and told her that I was doing the best I could, and then wrote the whole family and laid it all out for them as it currently stands. I tried to stress that I am doing everything I am capable of doing right now to help myself. I mentioned that I have been not feeling well lately, lethargic and low appetite, and that it could either be the hyperanemia rearing its head, or the fact that I am thoroughly depressed. I have had psych hospitalizations, etc, so they know and have known for years about my mental health.

Pam wrote me back and said that I brought all my illness on myself by refusing to move in with my sister in MN.

Yep -- being depressed because 1) I almost DIED, 2) I lost my JOB, 3) I have no health insurance and no income -- no, I have no reason to be depressed. I'm depressed because I won't do what Pam thinks I should do. Makes perfect sense, don't you think?

So, I'm really pissed at her, and for some reason that makes me want to self-destruct.

Does ANYBODY understand?

Candy