I think that's part of my despair in thinking about the LGBT community, not homophobia but some unchallenged notion that gay men are superficial and only want "anatomically-correct" men, casual sex, and no real relationships. I know in the back of my mind that these are harmful stereotypes and that there must be gay men out there who aren't just out for copious anonymous sex... but I have yet to refute my claim in any way and the men who actually do want relationships and don't care about size (not to mention presence) of genitalia are all hiding or already taken. I just think that, because of my challenges, appearance and the difficulty of meeting people in the first place, I'm a lost cause.

See, a big part of my problem is that I have PTSD, anxiety, abuse and abandonment issues, so it's hard enough going through the daily grind of maintaining a life, even a lonely one, just getting my basic needs met. I don't drive, and public transportation drains away all my energy. I'm lucky if I have enough wherewithal to do much else than grocery shop and go home. I've resorted to taking taxis to medical and mental health appointments because I'm so taxed by the time I get there that I can't adequately communicate my needs to the staff. I really wish I could go to social groups, but I'm so afraid and anxious that I can't remember names to save my own life. I'm overwhelmed with the thought that people are judging me. Besides, I have limitations with travel and many of the groups out there meet in the evening and let out late at night. I live outside of Seattle proper in a gang- and drug-infested neighborhood. I don't travel after dark if I can help it. Certainly I do know one org in the gay community puts on a clean and sober game night every week. However, this starts at 8pm and can go as late as 1 am. Most gays congregate around the Capitol Hill neighborhood in Seattle. Unfortunately, due to gentrification and the "convenience" of centralized downtown living, apartments there are very expensive; I couldn't afford to live there if I wanted to. (The reason I live way out in the sticks is because of the housing affordability issue. It's a well-known phenomenon here caused by political corruption from the last administration.)

There are not a whole lot of options in the community convenient to me, and in fact this is where all the homophobes live. There's frequent crime and gang activity in these parts... and gangs are homophobic. So if you live in this area, you're either "in" the big city or you're "out" and God be with your poor damned soul.

I won't even mention the one experience I did have with a group since I've explained that before. Even in the "embrace diversity" community there's a tendency to clique. If you're not "pretty" or skinny or have the "right" genitalia, then you're not worth anything. I don't even listen to the "right" music or wear the "right" clothes, apparently. Because I have integrity, even a little bit, I am not going to force myself to change just to make strangers happy. Take me as I am or leave me, I guess. Unfortunately that leaves me lonely still and friendless. I can only be me; if I become someone else, others may love me but I'd hate myself.

Anyway, feel free to PM me as well. I've been going through so much difficulty lately that I need to step back a bit. I don't know what else to say. I just want a reason to live. Only, I may have to resign myself to the idea that I'll never live a full life since I'm unlovable.

-K