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First off, I’m not writing this as a “Feel Sorry for Me” bit. I’m asking for your help. If you look at me, you would see a smiling, happy, 22 year old guy. I usually appear to be confident, happy, no worries what so ever. But masked behind that smile and laughter, I have been suffering for a long time. I honestly can’t remember the last time that I was truly happy; at least ten years ago. I have never had someone that I would call a real friend. I had friends through school, but no one that I would call a true friend. I never had a real girlfriend either. In fact, I’ve never been kissed or went past briefly holding hands in grade school. In fact, some of my family members and friends have actually asked me if I was gay, which I am not. It’s not really that big of a deal, but it hurts me just knowing that some people, especially my family, friends, and coworkers, feel this way about me. My parents are the type that never showed any type of love or affection towards me or my brother. I know that they assume that it is applied, and I know it is, but it’s just the fact of the matter. My whole teen and adult life has been focused on two things, aviation and helping others. But, I focused on those things and only those things and neglected everything else, including myself. I dreamed of being a pilot since I was in the 1st grade. I loved everything about it. When I was 13, I joined a youth division of a local air and ground search & rescue team. The training involved took up most of my time. In high school, my grades slowly got worst and worst, not because of the activities that I was involved in, but because I ended up getting a “I don’t care anymore” attitude. I still kept them at a 2.8, but I was a 4.0 student. At the end of high school, I left to go to college. It was actually my dream school. I was majoring in Aeronautical Science. I obtained my private pilot’s license and was working on my instrument rating when I was there. I also got my EMT license and volunteered with the campus emergency medical services. My GPA throughout college was a 3.6. Everyone thought that I was in the perfect place. WRONG! The whole time that I was there, I hated it. I hated waking up in the morning knowing that I had nothing to look forward to in the day. At the end of the first semester of my sophomore year, I left that school, without finishing my flight training or degree, and was transferred to a university that was closer to where my home is. I left that school mainly because I hated it, but also because I couldn’t afford it anymore. It cost $45,000 per year. The university that I transferred to was $17,000. So, I signed up for classes at the new college. I was going to be majoring in the same concentration as before. My advisor said that all of my classes would be able to be transferred so everything should work out fine. One week later, I get a call from the university telling me that not one single credit will be transferred from the other college because that school was classified as a technical university and this school is a liberal arts university. I don’t know how Introduction to Psychology is different from place to place but whatever. I told them forget it. I wasn’t going to waste that type of money taking classes that I’ve already taken. And two years later, here I am. I live at home with my parents. Still have no friends. I’m still not able to talk to my parents openly. I do have a job however. I work as an EMT on the ambulance which I love, but it is not what I wanted to do or planned to do. I work what seems to be nonstop just to get some change in my pocket. The pay is very little with no benefits. No where enough to get on my own, especially with $1500 a month of student loan payments. I’ve never seeked professional help and I have been refusing to see a professional, but this past week, I’ve been thinking about it. I do not want to be medicated just yet. I want to try to solve this in other ways. I do know that I suffer from severe depression. I have since about 14. I have no self-confidence or self-esteem. I’ve recently started having anxiety attacks, sometimes severe. I also have very high stress. And I think I also suffer from PTSD due to a call that I went on about six months ago involving a child. My sleep pattern is screwed up completely. Sometimes I sleep okay, other times (more frequently than not) I can’t sleep at all. Anymore, I just don’t want to do anything. I have lost all interest in the things that I used to love. I feel that my life is a complete failure. I’m a college dropout that now has no future that has to hold mommy and daddy’s hands just so that I can survive. No friends, no family to lean on, no life. But, I am not suicidal. That is one thing that I won’t even consider. Sure, I’ve had those thoughts run through my mind about doing it, and I’m pretty sure that I’ve been to the point where most people would do it, but I never would. But anyway, I do keep these feelings all inside and instead of talking to someone about it, I put on a smile and act like the world is in my hands. Every now and then, I find myself having crying spells and I’ve noticed that I now have a very short temper which I never had before. I am constantly snapping at my parents for the littlest of things. I just can’t control that for some reason. They are the only ones that I do that to. When I’m around others, I don’t snap like that. I feel like doing it, but I am usually able to restrain myself. It seems like my short term memory is shot. I can’t concentrate on the simplest of tasks. At times, I’m so jittery and nervous, my hands start shaking, I start getting heart palpitations, and I can’t catch my breath. I just don’t understand any of this. I don’t smoke, drink, or use drugs. My greatest fear in life is not death or heights; it’s being alone for the rest of my life. My main dream is to have a loving family of my own. A wonderful, loving wife and a healthy, courageous little boy and maybe even a little girl. That is my dream, but every second of everyday I see that dream getting further and further away. I have absolutely no idea where I’m going for a career. What I always wanted to do seems to be impossible to do now, and without a good job, I refuse to subject anyone to someone that is not able to support himself, let alone a family. I never realized that I had these feelings until about a year ago when I started seeing the people that I grew up with graduating college, getting these great jobs, buying houses, starting a family, etc. while I sit here doing nothing. I’ve tried to get back into school, but there is nothing that I want to study anymore. I’ve tried to get out more and meet people, but that seems not to work either. I just need some advice, any advice.
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