Dear T,

What if I can't do my homework and we don't have anything to talk about this week? I worry that you will end our session early. By that I mean, we won't go for 90 minutes. Lately two hours!! I don't want you to stop at 60 minutes, that is why I worry about not doing this assignment.

It causes me great anxiety if I think you won't let me stay the full 90 minutes. Even if I sit there and don't appear to have anything going on in my head, there is A LOT going on. I need that quiet time to process things. Please don't think I am just sitting there bored and wanting to leave. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I thought about making some signs to use during therapy when I feel that I cannot talk. Signs like: "I am processing something"...."I am sad about something"...."Please don't make me leave yet"....."I need you to help me open up"........"May I have a notepad and pen"....."Keep talking to me"....

Even if I act like I am mad or angry at you, I don't want to leave early. Even if I say I am leaving, don't believe me. If I don't get out what I need to in our session, my week will be hell.

Even if I turn my chair around and face the wall and totally tune you out, don't let that deter you from working with me during that session. If you dismiss me during that time, I will feel abandoned. I will feel rejected. I will feel that if I don't perform right, you don't want me there. This is something that you know I struggle with. Trying to please everyone. Trying to do everything right so that others don't get mad or disappointed with me.

I don't want to disappoint you. I don't want to upset you. I want to be a 'good' client. I know that you told me to stop thinking like that. You keep telling me that the sessions are about me and not about you. You keep telling me that whatever I bring to the session is what we will work on. That you will meet me where I am when I come in.

I know that I shouldn't worry so much about this assignment and getting it done. Sometimes at the last minute the words come pouring out onto the pages and I have a lot to say. I actually do complete the assignment and the emotions are raw and honest.

Thank you for helping me so much this past year. We both know that I was a very resistant client and neither of us thought I would get to the point I am at now in therapy.

Squiggle