My fault, I deserved it, my fault, so stupid.

not an eternity
though it feels like it.
Is there ever going to be an end to the greyness?
I am falling will anyone catch me?

The silence is so loud,
the memories scream,
scream to be heard,
the pressure builds,
like a suitcase
that has too much,
so much that you have to sit on it to get it closed.

as the greyness gathers,
my thoughts take over,
threatening hurting,
I can't breathe,
i can't see,
panic arises.

darkness, i find my fear in the darkness,
a fear so incredibly overwhelming that i cannot move,
nor can i shout.

hidden, hiding behind the charade
dreaming, drowning, falling,
each day is a struggle.

Ashamed of feeling the way i do
ashamed of needing anyone
ashamed of what happened
ashamed of me.