Hi all ~

I'll give you a little of my psych background first: dysthysmia, severe depressive episodes, general anxiety disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, ADD (inattentive). And that's what's been diagnosed so far. I suspect I may suffer from mild bi-polar as well, but it could be the ADD manifesting itself as such. I don't know.

Anyway....

Back in August, I began the process of having my back tattooed. I was immediately captivated by my artist, with whom I shared many unusual common interests (history, classical music, film, and other asthetic subjects). We really hit it off, and became fast friends. Before I knew it, I was developing a rather strong crush on him. What complicates this is, of course, I'm very married. Well, this artist quit tattooing to pursue another artistic field, but we continued to talk and we saw eachother a few times. NOTHING EVER HAPPENED...however, I began to confide some dissatisfation I was having in my marriage. I pretty much talked myself into being desperately unhappy with my wonderful husband and wanting to be with Adrian (the artist). My feelings became so intense, it was soon an obsession. Well, Adrian did not return my feelings (at least I don't think so)...I was a buddy....but I didn't see it. I pursued him relentlessly until he told me he was moving across the country. I wanted to say goodbye, and through a series of events, and his true lack of romantic interest, he stood me up four times for goodbye "dates." I was furious and I sent him a horrible letter...full of venom and accusations he didn't really deserve. He wrote me back, pretty much telling me I was a ***** and our friendship was effectively over.
Just as I was beginning to think I was recovering from my heartbreak over this, and trying to talk myself back into adoring my husband, Adrian's move didn't work out. He got his old tattooing job back, and now Ihave to see him every time I go there (I am still working on a large back piece). And of course, with his return, so has the obsession. My stomach feels sick with desire for him and sick with regret that I screwed up such a nice friendship. I tried to communicate my regret and apologies for being so vicious, but he isn't having it. No response.
My husband is a great guy, a devoted spouse, a wonderful partner. I want to love him....I do love him....but I WANT Adrian like a junkie wants heroin. Please..........How do I free myself from this? I am desperately unhappy and it is affecting every facet of my life.