Thank you, Perna. I kind of feel I'm at rock bottom now. I see love in my T's eyes and I know it's all right to accept that, but only as far as we can both use that love to help me in my "real life." It hurts me worse than ever to know that I have to live in my RL with my H, family, and friends, and not with my T. I've always known that, of course, but never felt it as much as I feel it now. It feels like my heart has broken, and now I have to pick up all the pieces and start over. I don't know if it's worth it or not. It's easier to stay the same but the part of me who knows better is reaching out with tears and saying "you can make it better, you can". She wants to hold T's hand and work on things together, though.