Dear T,

I owe you so much for helping me get to this point in therapy. I never dreamed that this was possible. I really didn't even want this. Not sure what I wanted. I just wanted to 'feel' better.

I am sorry for all the times I told you that "talk therapy" was dumb/stupid, and that it wasn't going to help me one bit to just "talk" about stuff. Well, I was wrong. I am not sure how this "magical" thing happens in therapy, but it does.

Thank you for allowing me to email. I know that you keep saying it is not driving you crazy or upsetting you, but I know that it has to get on your nerves sometimes. I know that I probably said stupid things and you felt that I was wasting your time by sending such nonsense. Whatever ridiculous thing I said, was how I was feeling in that moment.

I know that you never get emotional during our sessions, but I wish you would sometime. Not sure why I want to see that side of you, but I do. Maybe it will help me to see you as more of a "real" person? How can a therapist just sit there emotionless when the person they are working with is hurting and grieving? I understand why you don't, but I wish you would. Just one time.

If I could tell you something face to face, I would tell you that I appreciate you more than you will ever know. I am sorry for all the times I was 'ugly' and probably said 'ugly' things to you. I know you don't take that personal, but it has to bother you at times when someone does that to you.

Like I said before, I know that God drew me here and to you. There is no doubt about that. Your 'ministry' as a therapist is far beyond what I ever thought it would be. Your compassion and caring is genuine. I even like the tough side of you as well. I am glad that you don't 'wimp out' on me when I get angry with you.

My selfish side does not want you to get too many clients. Since I was one of the first ones, it makes me think that I need to 'move over' or 'move out' to allow others to come in and receive help from you. I realize that you don't want me to think like that, but I do. I still have those words you wrote down for me: "If I need it, I deserve it. I am worth it." I want to believe that, but I am not there yet.

As sappy as this sounds, you mean a lot to me right now. I need you. I hate saying that. You know that I don't like to admit that, so I hope that you appreciate that I did! I know that I am sarcastic and say off the wall stuff. I think that for the most part, you 'get me' and can appreciate the wacky sense of humor that I bring to therapy. Like I said before, I think I will be a 'memorable client'.

That's about all I wanted to say. I wish that I could say this face to face with you, but that would be too embarrassing for me. I would probably start crying and not get the words out anyway.

Thank you for helping me,

Squiggle