ok i know i just wrote a post but i have a lot on my mind. i have lost several good friends (some of them really close friends) over the past year for whatever reasons. when the first one happened - when i lost the first friend i thought it had nothing to do with me but know that i just lost two more i am thinking maybe there is something wrong with me and i am not acting right or something, that there is something intrisictly (sp?) wrong with me. i called two of them today, they won't return my calls. it hurts, a lot. i still have other good friends that have stuck by me thru my ups and downs (i have a lot of them). so i am lucky in that respect. one of my closest friends says to just forget about it, let it go. i am always not sure who's fault is what. well sometims i feel that way, i guess a lot. like who's fault is it that these friendships ended, am i bad in some ways? i should just let it go if they don't want to talk to me and if i did make mistakes even though deep inside i don't feel like it is all my fault then i know i should just let it go and focus on the good friends i am lucky to have. maybe the other ones aren't meant to be. one i don't care about too much, b/c i have no respect for her. i analyze and obsess too much. question myself too much. i drive myself absolutely crazy! why can't my mind relax. i am tired somtimes but still anxious., i hate it. i am depressed and anxious a lot of the time. take my pills - actually more anxious than depressed. always feel keyed up. i take klonopin which relaxes me but makes me depressed or out of it sometimes. i don't have time to fool around with the meds AGAIN. working out helps. i have been trying to work out almost every day. i thought i was happy at my last job, i thought it was the best job ever at first, then i find out all the pressure is on me - that i am the only sales person at the startup, that if i don't make a sale in my first 3 mos (i was initially told i wasn't expectected to make a sale in that time period that it was a training/learning curve time) at first they were so happy with me but i was unable to make a sale in this time period - the product is like 125K a month, so it is a long sales cycle. and they didn't go into markets they promised me they would etc. so all so disapointing, i put my heart and soul in that job. then in the same week i am told that i am getting laid off, they can't afford to pay my base salary anymore (4 person co.) and a guy i went on a second date with treats me badly. it made me cycle into a depressed anxious state for a few days. it was horrible. i am feeling better but still picking up pieces from that week. i ended up sending one of the guys i didn't like at company a nasty email about him and his personality - it was really inappropriate, but as my brother says i was all wound up that day. i tried to make it up by buying his daughter a present and apologizing to the 3 or them (really 3 person co. now)., but it wasn't good. i have to learn to keep my emotions at bay., i am too impulsive and don't think and spiral out of control. i got so upset about it all including the guy i wrote about in the other post - i only went on two dates with him. i am 33 almost 34, am just tired of still trying to get it together job wise, money wise and guy wise. when will it all work out? is there a guy out there for me?? at least the job i am interviewing for i feel i would be good at. i am thinking of claiming bankruptcy, i owe like 20K and haven't paid some of my creditors in mos and mos. so really giving me anxiety i need to deal with that i really have to promise myself that either i do a payment plan with them or claim bankruptcy., i don't know which to do. i think i would rather do a payment plan. i am going to be paying forever though. my credit is ruined. i let my drivers lis. and need it for this job, now i think i have to retake the roadtest and i don't even know how to parellel park. mess my life is a continous mess. i have to also organize my papers. they are everywhere. help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!