Hey Everyone,

I'm new here and have responded to posts, but never posted one myself. I was diagnosed as bipolar nos when I was 21 (I'll be 27 in a few months) and I just never felt like it was correct. I'm finishing up my last year on my psychology degree and I just knew that wasn't it. I saw a few therapists and psychiatrists who said that it was wrong and I have BPD and ADD; this sounds completely accurate. So... having relationships when you have BPD.. ugh.

I had a fairly good childhood, not so much with teenage years. My dad have BPII and was extremely suicidal, emotionally abusive, and addicted to Oxycontin and alcohol. From the time I was 16 to 19, he attempted suicide 8 times; almost succeeded twice. When I was 17, my dad tried to kill me; needless to say, I don't have a relationship with him anymore. My mom was always awesome though, I have nothing bad to say about her... she made up for a lot of what my dad lacked. With all of the suicide attempts, I just started thinking that he didn't care about or love his family enough to live; I wasn't worth living for. I know I know, it's the disease, not the reality, but you know if you have BPD, you have abandonment issues and no matter how illogical it is, you still believe it's true; it's your fault.

I've been in relationships constantly since I was 16... I've had probably less than a year of being single in these 10 years; but I'm fine with that. I maintain long relationships that range from one that was 6 months, and all of the others either 3.5 years or a year. Problem is, I always sabotage the relationships by either cheating on them, or projecting my past onto them and provoking fights. I didn't want to love anyone because I really just don't want to be hurt; I mean if my dad didn't love me enough to even live... why would they, they aren't family and family is supposed to love you, right? I got married when I was 21, to a soldier... shocking right, I married someone that was always gone! I know I just said I didn't want to be in love, but I got married... I was young and needed an out from my life, I thought he was it, but it wasn't love. Well, after 3.25 years of being together and 2 deployments later, I cheated and left. I mean we weren't good together anyway, so it was more of a personality conflict with him; I just didn't love him.

With the last boyfriend, I cared about him so much and it scared the hell out of me! We lived together and he was so sweet and compromising and understanding... and so attractive! I just thought to myself that there's no way that he could love me, no matter how many times he said it. So what did I do, I left! No, didn't cheat on him because I've been trying to "fix" myself after I got divorced. So now where am I?

I've been with my boyfriend for not quite a year and a half and I am terrified! I love him... really love him... that's terrifying for me... he has the complete capability of taking my heart and destroying it I do not do very well with separation because I don't want to be abandoned, and what does he do? He's a pilot... I really know how to pick boyfriends with jobs that trigger every ounce of what I fear. He's so unique from anyone I've ever dated. For some reason, every guy I've dated has really seemed to love me, looking back on it. I got the "I love you's" so fast and lived with most of them. But this one, he's 28 and I am relationship #6 (he is for me too actually) and guess how long those spanned... 3 - 6 months... and here we are at almost a year and a half. I know our relationship is different from all of our others, but man, it's been an adjustment; he's such a commitment-phobe! It took 8 months before I met his family, a freaking year before he said "I love you"!!! And for someone with a fear of abandonment and know that I actually love him... ya, that sucked! He's never said I love you before or brought anyone home. We have an amazing relationship and I KNOW in my heart that he loves me. We've been through a lot of ups and downs in life together and we're still crazy about each other, but what do I do... he's gone half of the week!

Because he's been single his whole life and is so independent, he says that he won't live with someone unless he knows he's going to marry them and he doesn't want to get divorced. He just got put on reserves in a place 2.5 hours from my apartment and he stays there in a crash pad while on reserves and comes to my place when he's home. We never fight when we're together but stupid little things will trigger my fear of abandonment when he's gone or he'll say something small and I flip out. He doesn't want to live together, he wants to wait at least a year to see how this flying thing goes (it just started a couple months ago) and I'm not used to this and being so patient! I'm used to people falling right away... I mean he talks about the future though and years from now, so I don't know what my deal is. I feel like in some ways I'm sabotaging the relationship because I'll get scared and start getting moody and cold. What am I supposed to do... I can't lose him!!!! Help!!! (Sorry this was so long, thanks for reading it if you did)