I just emailed my T a very honest email that combined most of what I've been posting today. I just couldn't keep those feelings from her until my session. It's Wednesday this week, not Tuesday.

I feel drained, but not ashamed. I told her I had to let the feelings out and not keep them trapped inside of me. I asked her to hold my hand and help me pick up the pieces of my broken heart, and then I will put them away and work on reality. I said I want her to help me love my H and that I don't want to escape with Ts anymore.

I told her about feeling so good when I look into her eyes, and loving her, that I know it doesn't have to be either/or--my H or her.

I didn't ever know this therapy was going to turn out like it has. Nothing is on the surface; it's all really deep feelings that turn my insides inside out! I think this is the kind of therapy I always needed/wanted. I have to allow myself to love and feel all the feelings I do for my T, and then be able to move on. It hurts but in a sort of healing way--I think.