Ugh

I've had a really rough past with my dad when it comes to my teenage years. He's BPII (but apparently didn't know it, even though we all did), was an alcoholic and addicted to Oxycontin. From the age of 16 to 19 he attempted suicide 8 times, almost succeeded twice. He spent a lot of time sleeping and drinking in the garage. He made my family's life hell for many years. I walked in on him putting a gun to my sister's head when I was 12, and he drove to my mom's work with a knife under his seat. Mom stayed with him until I was 17 because she felt guilt leaving him when he was at his worst, but the kicker was when he tried to kill me. He was addicted to the pain medication that was prescribed due to a back injury, but it got out of control. Needless to say through all of this; we don't really have a relationship... and I feel guilty.

I can't get passed the hurt he caused me and my family, even though it was 10 years ago. I tried for a while to have a relationship with him, but he keeps hurting me. I try to remind myself that it's the disease and the medication and suicide attempts really messed up his brain chemistry, and logically I know that, but emotionally it doesn't stick... it hurts. I've always longed for a normal dad and a normal relationship, but no matter how much I hope for it and want it... it's not going to happen, but I hold out hope.

He has delusions that God talks to him (he was a preacher for a while also), and he's just so up and down that I have a hard time picking up the phone cuz I don't know what type of mood he's going to be in, so I ignore it. A few years ago he was moving to NV so I asked him if I could drive up before he left (he lived 2 hours from me) and his response was "what's the point". I was going to introduce him to my ex so I drove to go visit him and he didn't show, his excuse was that he was tired and needed to sleep. He calls me last year and I answered... he calls to tell me that when he passes away, he wants me to help his wife to plan the funeral... that's I'm NOT invited to because "if you don't want to be a part of my life while I'm living, you won't be a part when I'm dead"... that was the kicker for me, so I stopped talking to him. I felt compelled on Christmas to call and tell him Merry Christmas, he answers the phone and gets off within a minute because he was watching a show. I fell to the ground at my mom's house and started bawling. I ignored his calls for months, but then I felt so guilty like I'm an awful daughter.

Most of the times I still don't answer the phone, but he called today and I ignored it, but I felt so bad that I called him back. On this call, he seemed normal and happy, and sometimes he's like that, just not often. It took all I had to fight back the tears. When I got off the phone I totally fell apart. I'm an awful daughter for ignoring calls from my dad... I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for him. I won't have a relationship with him because I don't want to hurt, but if something happens to him, I will feel horrible for not even trying. He called today just to make sure I was ok, he just wanted to make sure and that he loves me. How the **** do I deal with this??? Sometimes he hurts me so bad like he doesn't care at all, then other times he loves me and I feel guilty for feeling the way I do. I just don't want to hurt anymore