http://www.havoca.org/HAVOCA_home.htm

Please visit this link...skip past intro.There are common denominators which are typical to adult children of abuse.I doubt that your dad desired to be neglectful,or to have left you feeling these bruises on your heart to deal with.But,the truth of the matter is that many parents do leave scars on their children.Whether stemming from their life choices (drugs,alcohol,relationships,mental illness)...or whether stemming from the fact that they are not well equipped for parenting,due to lack of example,or lack of desire.

You have grown up in a situation where you were shown a very poor example of what a parent needs to be to raise an emotionally whole child.

Beyond this,you are now experiencing guilt for the feelings and desires you have to be righteously angry and disconnected from the history of the relationship,and its on-going facets of dysfunction..Alcohol,drugs,BPII,suicide attempts,violence in your familial setting,attempting to take your life...(whether due to mental illness,drugs,or whatever else),complete disconnect and neglect of his fatherhood in your life.You are NOT an awful daughter,you WOULD be alive despite him,you state...

"I won't have a relationship with him because I don't want to hurt..."

Truthfully...does that sound like a hurting heart filled with pain and fear?...or like a mean daughter....?

May I ask...please imagine yourself sitting in a room with any one ...a stranger...or someone you love and care for...now,re-read your post.....what would you say to them?Your healing and growth up and out of this swirl of mixed emotions will be a process of forward growth and momentum...and some retreat...and back to moving closer to healing.You have sustained a ton of damage.And you have a right to the process of grief,anger,sadness,numbness,tearfulness,and even the transient bitterness that you feel inside.

If you don't feel like clicking on the link I gave,please copy /paste,or book mark it for a time when you might feel like it.It is critical that you obtain some objectivity on your feelings,and your childhood.

They quote..."Every survivor has the right to become a thriver."

Within the site are helps to so very many concerns that those who have survived as children from anything from emotional neglect to many of the other realms of dysfunction /abuse that we might encounter in our experience with parental figures growing up.

You are not alone.This is an epidemic.There is nothing abnormal about "where you are at now"...and no barriers between you and your right to claim your emotional health and healing.You deserved to be in a healthy family circumstance,and deserve to claim wholeness.