I really don't want to get into the whole issue, as it would look as though someone is "to blame." I don't want to make that impression. It appears that everyone involved ..well, is involved in their own drama.

I only know what I would do if I knew what I know.

What I do insist for you though, is to get help for you. If spouse would go too, that would be better, but if no one else tries to improve, you, at least, "should." You can't change others. You won't be able to change the situations at the rate everything is going, imo.

What you can change is you, and your situation, your responses, and resolve your needs. Once you have your own self-care established, then and only then, will you be able (maybe) to help others do the same. TC