i understand your frustration. i dont have much experience with those hotlines, but one time, the first in nearly a decade, i opened up to someone about how i was feeling. i said things i feel but rarely express, that i hate myself, that i want to to end my life, that i cant forgive myself my past. my friends response was laughable. . . "its okay, dont hate yourself, blah blah blah" and the following day i get this call about how i need to get my life together and it was basically see ya have a nice life. my point is that it seems terribly unfair when we do get the strength and courage to speak up, to say hey i'm falling apart and i really need help, that life throws this awful curve ball of emptiness and absence. no ones actually listening. just want you to know that i read your post not once but twice and that i'm listening. i'm sorry, more than you know, that you didnt get the support you were seeking because that isnt right. i'm glad you had someone there for you, and want you to know you have someone here for you now. though i cant be there to hold your hand i can listen and tell you that life is impossibly difficult sometimes but we just have to keep going. i'm proud of you. you had an urge to si and limited it to one instance. see how strong you are? stay safe and remember that you arent alone. i understand what it is to feel like life is impossibly difficult. it gets better by degrees, sometimes small ones that we barely notice. and every day you survive is another victory. ok i havent slept in well over 30 hours so i'm hoping desperately i'm making some small amount of sense here.
hugs and hoping you get through this a stronger and better person.