Well it is a start Hazel, but keep in mind that getting off the medication may bring out a more difficult side in him as he will go through withdrawl and that will mean that the pain will return. So you will now have to monitor him more than ever.

I hate to say it Hazel but you actually have four children, one being him. I had that too. I was in my thirties when I finally realized that and I did reach out to try to learn about how I HAD TO MANAGE THE FAMILY. And it was not easy because I had to learn how to not let my husband push my buttons to make me mother him. I know you are going to address that because of his relationship with his mother and how she always gave into him.

The upside is that your daughter will learn through your decision to not accept bad bahaviors and become a strong person and educate yourself on how to run the ship much better. And it will be a challenge for you as you will have to be very strong.
I recommend that you go to al-anon meetings to get some support as well as read more about how to run a productive family. I didn't really have that, I only got help here and there and did the best I could. Make sure you get the book "Codependent No More" as it will help you get the correct mindset in how to keep from falling into manipuation.

You are going to have to find support for yourself so make sure you find a good family therapist that can help guide you.

One of my rules that I sat down and made clear with my little family was "ABSOULTLY NO HITTING" was allowed. I made sure my husband and even daughter knew that hitting did not resolve problems and that we had to grow up and learn how to resolve issues in more productive ways. From now on it will be team work and if someone does not follow the rules they will get time out and discussions will take place on how it disrupted the family and a resolve will be set.

It is important to set up boundaries, can even write a list that everyone should follow. It is not just about SAYING that one will change, it is very important to LEARN just HOW TO MAKE CHANGES AND HAVING A GUIDE. And it is important that as a family there is a real STRUCTURE to follow, people are very comfortable with STRUCTURE as it allows them to understand their place in that family unit.

The best way to approach this with your husband is to make him understand that you will now work together in creating a better, healthier atmosphere for your family.
And it is important that he understand that HE is not the authoritarian, and he has to also partake in CONSTRUCTIVE SHARE TIME WITH EACH CHILD. And also there has to be a scheduled FAMILY TIME where constructive sharing time activities take place. And within those activities there has to form an understanding of sharing and respecting how to work together and that each person has to have respect and if that cannot happen the person that is not participating will have to have a time out.

This is something that you would have to do in any family situation HAZEL. You can take time to make it clear to your husband, It is not about running, it is about FINALLY LEARNING HOW TO MAKE IT WORK TOGETHER. If he can learn that it is not about repremanding him, but more about him becoming a partner in making it work, he will be more agreeable. If you can convey to him that you really want him and you to work at it and make it work together and it may be challenging, he may come around.

It is not going to happen overnight, it will take a conscious effort to build a workable structure. But if you can allow your husband to see how it will be the right way to raise children psychologically, and that you believe that the two of you can MAKE IT HAPPEN, he may be more willing.

Just remember it is going to take time and work and you will be working around his changing moods due to restructuring his medication.

The end result it that you will all gain in every aspect of your lives. I only had one child, and my husband. But I now see how positive the results of having a more productive family really helped my child and even my husband. My daughter does not accept the behaviors in others when it comes to manipulation and grandstanding or any form of abuse. Instead she practices very constructive behaviors and forms STRUCTURE where ever she goes. People end up being drawn to her as she is very confident in structure and I aways hear rave reviews of how confident and good it is to be around her. Even her animals fall in line around here LOL. And I have to say that my daughter carries an air about her that says, don't bother wynning and manipulating, it wont work with me. And it is an unspoken quality that others find very welcoming and want to be around her as they like the strength of the message and positive direction she sends.

It can be done Hazel, but it does take commitment and a clear decision on LEARNING HOW TO DO IT.

Open Eyes