I came to PC not really knowing very much about PTSD and how it had really manifested in me. And it has been so hard to explain, so hard to understand and I started to see the different ways that I was misunderstood, even by myself. And as I learn more about it, I see my own island more clearly. And as I see my own island, I often get angry and frightened and I do somehow feel this vague guilt you speak of.

I am glad you proposed the question about that vague guilt. I knew it was there but I had no idea how to address it. And everytime I had tried to address it to family members they didn't understand it and quickly dismissed it and had different theories of their own on how to address it. Well, it only made me want to retreat even more.
And in that retreat it only made me feel more angry at myself as if even in that effort in admission, I was again misunderstood. And just because I have this label doesn't mean I completely understand it. And that is when I just want to isolate and retreat, sometimes I have to admit that I want to retreat altogether as within this Label there is so much confusion and I grow tired of it myself.

But, because you asked your question about guilt I then brought it into focus. To be honest, I was amazed at how I was able to compile that list. And while I was doing it I was somewhat angry as well. But I wasn't angry at others, just at how I couldn't seem to do things that I had done before and how much I had felt guilty about it.

And it also brought me closer to that other emotion that comes up, rage. And I began to realize how all three emotions were connected along with the other emotions that come with PTSD. And I realized that as long as I try to push these emotions aside, I wont get better and I will remain an island. No, we have to really see the island in ourselves and actually search our soul to see how it has been effected and where we can quietly come to terms with it. And we have to understand that we cannot feel selfish in doing so.

I talked about a line that I posted about losing ones very soul. And I also talked about another person saying thank you and how I seemed to feel that other person for the first time. I didn't mean that I knew that person, only that as I began to think about how one is affected I was allowed to understand something that is often overlooked not only by society but also by a person themselves. As we cannot truely know the soul of another we can join together in a mutual feeling of loss.
And it can be a beginning to knowing that even though we are our own islands within the labels we are given, a voice from another island saying, me too, is a way to recognise that we are not alone in our deep loss, there are other islands as well.

I would have to say that one thing I didn't learn or that was never really taught to me was how to be able to look back and recognize that I was never perfect, I did the best I could and if I need to stop and grieve and learn how to come to terms with the damage that occured on a personal level, it is ok to do so. I have to be willing to look at the damage first and try not to be frightened of it or blame myself for it and how I reacted then an now. I cant be angry at others for not understanding it and I have to learn not to be angry at myself. I have some geiving to do, and accepting my failures and make my own personal efforts toward resolve. And I have to stop pushing myself and allow myself to truely address it on a conscious level and recogize that it will take me time to work at it.

I think it is important that I try to stop looking at life as a specific structure set by society or some kind of general guideline of how I am supposed to live life. I have to recognize that I am unique and find my own meaning to my life. And it is going to be my own personal journey and
not everyone is going to understand me or accept me. But the one thing I have to do, is accept myself and my past and keep trying to move forward and learn and adjust as best as I can.

Open Eyes