Rubyindie,

You have hit upon the frustrating push/pull behavior of the narcissist. With its accompanying idealization and devaluation. The fact that you can identify these types of toxic behaviors and reject them shows you are a more emotionally healthy, mature and available person. The truth is that these people need love, compassion and emotional intimacy just like everyone else. The devastating and sad problem is that they cannot accept it. To do so would leave them vulnerable to the pain, wounding and fear of abandonment/engulfment they have been desperately trying to avoid since childhood. They are not going to allow themselves to be hurt/injured ever again. This is the pact they have made with the devil inside them. They learned as a child that love and affection was conditional upon conforming to the parent's wishes. When they marched in line, they found acceptance. When they stood up for their own beliefs or desires, they were shunned and shamed. So while they want you on one hand for a relationship and what that can give them (ideal "love"), they will constantly fight tooth and nail against losing control and actually needing you. Needing someone is far too threatening and risky to them. Hence the pull to keep you from abandoning/injuring them and the push to protect themselves from being vulnerable. We mistake the pull for love. And the push is, of course, abusive. But it is really all about the narcissist. They have a fail-safe defense. Either way, they will not be hurt. Heads they win, tails you lose. But they can never truly love in an emotionally mature way. That is a language they simply do not speak.