I'm scared about discussing what I emailed you. I don't know if my feelings are real or not. When I'm in the room with you, I might try to minimize them and I don't want to do that. I want to pretend you're not so important, pretend I don't "love you". I know you'll want to talk about my H and I'll feel disappointed. I have to talk a little about feelings for you first. I'm panicky thinking about looking at you tomorrow. I know I'll be okay as soon as you say hi. You're so nonthreatening to me. You always have been. I wish I didn't feel so much for you, though. It hurts that I do. I feel so pathetic. I just wish once and for all I could cry with you!!!!!

I don't want to love you or act like I'm "in love" with you. I HATE that part of me likes feeling that way too.