so last 2 weeks I have been mildly depressed with up and down of good too; moody in another words (more than usual).. I took a weekend off and went some where I had never been before (I called it vaca due to it is really the only thing I can call vaca). It was so beautiful and to see nature was a blast. I had some issues with some things but my BF and I worked it out *We talked to work out my head and it spinning at some points*. But none the less....

I come back; as driving back into the state I look on Face Book the first time in about 4 day and I say- Geez I do not really know any of these people; then the thought of how easy it would be to just disappear would be (only my BF and maybe *Big maybe* his family and of Course Work would would wonder where I would be)... I am not sure why I thought of this- but I did.

My BF and I took a day just at home before going back to the usual grind of work and stuff-- also the car issue is more at rise than last week so it is on our minds.

The other day (well today in my world *work nights, so I stayed up all day and came to work*) I cleaned up the home and did laundry- everything looks awesomely great :-) which totally makes me feel better/My BF complemented the work I had done. I gave him a note that i wrote earlier he read it later and called and talked about it (I tend to write little notes to him a lot, i am not sure why) And I came to to work and worked like me (get into work sometimes I want to get things done). So far so good but there is this strange feeling in me.

I mentioned to my BF that in my note I had wrote "It'll be ok we can get through this and I will try my best to be on good behavior"-- I mentioned o had realized hours later that well I am writting that when I am not in a Shtty mood... he did not understand, I said never mind, it was ok.. He then got it sort of and said it will still be ok..

Through this whole day and the day prior- and a little on our trip I have just felt like a part of me blocking. On the Trip I figured it was due to I was meeting new people (Tend to Block and be **Nice** when I meet new people and try not to be grumpy if I am- put on my face and I am very shy so I do not open up much). I did give my self kudos for trying to talk though.
But being at work- I am doing the same Face which is normal in a way but then not.. i feel deep down I am sort of giving myself a face if that makes an sense to any one.

I am not sure if I am prepping my self; or if I am getting out of my little short rut I was in and fear I will go into a deeper rut or what...

I am not sure -- just thought I would share thought

Any one else feel this way at times?

Sorry for asking if any one could relate-

I know I have been suggested to go to a dr. even on the trip my BF and I talked about it (He mentioned something like "look at you and **blank**; you guys have issues and you dont go to a doctor"
I defended myself with "I have been thinking about it.. geez" (what a come back huh?)
He acknowledged my thinking on it recently here more often. but still.

I get worried on how much and all; plus I have known some people that go on meds and they are stuck in the hospital for a day or actually more than a week, to be "monitored"- I can not afford that (as in day off of work and bill)

any who.. guess my thoughts at the moment- sorry for babbling as I do so often.